Obama Promises “New Speech” on Jobs in September, Instead of “New Deal” Now!

Washington, D.C. –



President Obama announced today that he is busy working on a new speech about jobs, which he will deliver to the nation this September. “Don’t despair America,” said Obama in a radio address concerning his new speech. “Help is on the way.”



According to a spokesman for the White House, Obama has called together the best speechwriters in the country.



“He is essentially assembling the greatest brain trust of orators this nation has ever heard,” read a statement released by the White House.



The president has even purchased a new rhyming dictionary.



“In fact, he’s gently breaking-in the spine now,” said a presidential aide.



Obama bought the new rhyming dictionary during his “Listing Tour” convoy through the Midwest.



“He insisted that the bus driver pullover to the side of the road when he saw a ‘Going Out of Business’ sign hanging in the window of a Borders bookstore,” continued the aide.



Obama even had the official White House photographer take his picture, documenting the historical purchase.



Standing in front of the ‘Going Out of Business’ sign with the new rhyming dictionary in hand, Obama posed stoically for the black and white Ansel Adams style photograph.



“I want you to take my picture in front of the ‘Going Out of Business – Everything 50% Off!’ sign,” said Obama, talking to the White House photographer. “I want you to capture my commitment to reduce the national debt by saving the tax payer money whenever I can.”



The White House photographer adjusted the leans of his camera and took the picture.



“Did you get it,” asked Obama of the White House photographer.



“Yeah, I got it,” replied the photographer. Then whispering beneath his breath to himself, he added. “But do you?”



Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Photo Courtesy of:

wpclipart.com

Obama “BUSTour” Delivers New Campaign Slogan for 2012: Then: “Yes, We Can!” Now: “Yes, You Can”?

Washington, D.C –



While on his “Listing to America” bus tour through the Midwest, President Obama may have inadvertently come up with his 2012 campaign slogan all on his own. When, in a speech, he told Americans that only they, not him, could force the hand of Congress when it comes to creating jobs.



“I can’t force them to do it,” said Obama about creating jobs. “Only you can.”



Obama then went on to say to the audience, “So if you really think about it, the failures of my presidency are not really mine…They are yours.”



A hush came over the crowd.



After pausing a moment, checking the crowd’s reaction, Obama then proceeded to blame Americans for failing to fulfill his 2008 campaign promises as well.



“Why didn’t you do what I promised you, America?” said Obama, as people turned to look at each other somewhat embarrassed.



“What am I going to do with you?” added Obama as people hung their heads in shame. “Well?”



After pausing a few more moments, this time confidently staring down the crowd, as would an angry father his disobedient child, Obama spoke again.



“I’ll tell you what, America,” said Obama. “Not all hope for change is lost. And even though you failed me miserably, I still believe in you.”



Everybody not already on their feet stood up on them, cheering.



“I can’t believe I’m saying this,” said Obama, wiping his brow. “I guess I must be getting soft in my old age. Or maybe it’s that Nobel Peace Prize I won that finally got to me, but I’m going to give you one more chance, America.”



Obama then lead the throng in a chant -- His new political campaign slogan for 2012:



“YES, WE CAN!” Obama mistakenly yelled out at first. Then pausing a second to correct himself, he continued. “I mean, YES, YOU CAN! YES, YOU CAN! YES, YOU CAN!”



Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Top 10 Things Obama Can Do to Restore Nation’s AAA Rating with Standard and Poor’s:

10) Overt: By Executive Order, impose a one-time selective “Risk Assessment Agency” Retroactive Tax in the amount of 14 Trillion dollars.



9) Overt: Call in a Not So Surgical Air Strike on S and P's headquarters, using Smart Bombs, Tomahawk Cruise missiles and Predator drones.



8) Special Ops: Send in SEAL Team Six – Then take the captured S and P executives out for a long walk on the short deck of an aircraft carrier.



7) Black Ops: Grant a Presidential Pardon to members of “Anonymous,” IF they hack into S and P and change the nation’s credit rating back to AAA.



6) Covert: Start rumors via diplomatic cables that S and P is financially insolvent. Then transmit those diplomatic cables over a secured line for WikiLeaks to pick up and publish them on the World Wide Web.



5) Overt: Let loose the monster from that Cloverfeild movie onto Manhattan. Then coat the S and P building with “Love Potion #9”. But not before blocking off the Lincoln Tunnel and injecting the space creature with the nation’s entire supply of Viagra.



4) Overt: Invite the S and P board of directors over to the White House for a "Beer and Caviar Summit".



3) Overt: Open up Fort Knox and Call the “Cash For Gold” people.



2) Covert: Stop receiving daily briefings on the economy, and go off on vacation just like Congress.



1) Overt: Make another speech with the same old stale talking points and boring platitudes, exposing your inexperience as a statesman and lack of leadership as a world leader...Or buy a new rhyming dictionary!



Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Debt Ceiling Crisis Leaves Obama Smoking, Again

Washington, D.C. –

On a personal note, the debt-ceiling crisis has taken its toll on the health of the president lately, as he has taken up smoking again. It is reported that the First Lady, Michelle Obama, was the first to notice her husband’s relapse into his old nicotine habit, one which he had worked so hard to kick since he took office.

“I knew he went back to smoking,” said the First Lady. “He’d makeup some dumb excuse. Go outside, saying he needed some fresh air.”

Later, the First Lady picked out cigarette butts from her bed of flowers in the Rose Garden.

“At first, I don’t say anything to him,” said the First Lady. “Believing it’s really not my place. I mean so long as he doesn’t do it in front of the children, right?”

However, the First Lady expressed concerned that the president’s smoking was getting in the way of his job.

“He use to say smoking helped him relax, cleared his mind. So he could focus on the task at hand,” said the First Lady. “But I doubt that’s the case anymore.”

So the First Lady decided to confront the president with a handful of cigarette butts she found in the Rose Garden.

Only their meeting in the Oval Office was interrupted by a phone call from Speaker of the House Representatives, John Boehner.

“Honey,” said a confident and assertive First Lady. “I know you’re really busy with our nation on the verge of failing to meet it’s financial obligations for the first time ever, but I found these cigarette butts in the Rose Garden the other day. Now I understand you’re under tremendous pressure, but if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re using this debt ceiling crisis as some kind of smokescreen. Just so you can pick up smoking again.”

Just then John Boehner called, the president placing him on the speakerphone.

“Mr. President,” said a weeping John Boehner on the other end of the line. “For the love of God, please okay raising the debt ceiling. I don’t understand, we gave you everything you wanted weeks ago.”

After hearing John Boehner’s plea over the speakerphone, the First Lady looked down at the cigarette butts in her hand and then backup at the president with her mouth wide open.

From behind his desk, the president calmly reached into coat pocket, pulled out a cigarette and lit it up.

“I beg you, Mr. President,” continued pleading John Boehner. “There’s very little time left. Approve raising the debt ceiling and put an end to this godforsaken crisis.”

“Are we clear?” said the president to the First Lady as he drew on the cigarette, its glow lighting up his face.

The First Lady just nodded her head as she slowly backed out of the Oval Office, placing the cigarette butts in her skirt pocket.

John Boehner, still weeping over the speakerphone.

“Mr. President…” sobbed John Boehner. “Mr. President…”


Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Obama Adjusts 2011 NCAA Bracket to Favor East Coast Teams Due to Pending West Coast Nuclear Contamination

Washington, D.C. --

After getting off the phone with the Prime Minister of Japan, Naoto Kan, President Barack Obama immediately called up ESPN advising them that he was adjusting his bracket for the 2011 March Madness NCAA Tournament. Citing shifting weather patterns over the Pacific Ocean, hastening the approaching nuclear death plume off the West Coast headed inland, the president begged ESPN for another interview, but they denied him.

"Listen to me. This is very serious," Obama pleaded on the phone with ESPN. "You can’t hold me responsible for yesterday’s hoop picks. I had no idea how grave the situation was for the West Coast teams."

The President argued that given how West Coast teams rely so heavily on their slam-dunks, he did not think any of the players would be able to win. Let alone survive the impending radioactive death plume.

"Hang time could be a death sentence," said an emotional Obama, as he fell to his knees in the Oval Office.

However, ESPN refused to reconsider the president's request and said his bracket stands as is.

"If Obama wants to change his predictions, he'll have to take it up in an address to the nation," said a spokesman for ESPN.

ESPN also cited that their coverage of all sporting events had been preempted to carry live coverage of the nuclear disaster in Japan and the tracking of the nuclear death plume headed for the United States.

"We maybe sport journalist," said a spokesman for ESPN. "But we're journalists first."

Copyright © 2008-2011 by Robert W. Armijo. All rights reserved.

Obama Tries Building “A Coalition of the Willing” of His Own

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Washington, D.C. --

After two years of disappointing his base of Liberals, Progressives, Independents, some elderly and especially young voters, President Barack Obama announced today, after a failed rally attempt held at an undisclosed stadium at a college back east for a taped political TV commercial to be aired at a later date, that he is building “A Coalition of the Willing” of his own to save what is left of his super majority in both Houses of Congress, come this November’s midterm elections.

“Listen,” said Obama, while addressing a dwindling crowd of mostly youthful supporters. “Not too long ago you people were fainting at my rallies. Now, now you hardly swoon. What’s up with that?”

“In the not too distant past, those people would have broken out into laughter,” later noted an Obama’s staff member. “Now, not even a smile was seen on a single face in the crowd.”

As a somber and awkward silence seized the audience, a heckler spoke up to respond to the President, who once promised he would bring hope and change to the nation.

“What’s up with breaking your campaign promise not to sign a healthcare bill that didn’t have a public option?” the heckler answered the President's rhetorical question. “Let’s start with that!”

The crowd cheered the heckler.

“Look America,” replied Obama as he walked away from his podium and prepared speech on his teleprompter, rolling up his sleeves as he walked across the stage. “I never promised you a rose garden. And I know this may shock some of you out there, but I can’t walk on water, either.”

The crowd broke out into laughter, Obama smiled.

“Now what do you say, America,” continued Obama satisfied he regenerated the faithful as he walked back up to his podium and teleprompter. “What about we start over? And you help me build what I call ‘A Coalition of the Willing’ to restore hope and change to Washington?”

The crowd fell silent once more.

“Now you maybe asking yourself what’s this ‘Coalition of the Willing’ all about?” said Obama as he clearly began reading off his teleprompter again. Not noticing that his audience fell silent once again. “Well, you can breathe a sigh of relief; I’m not going to send you to invade a country. Not like, like that other guy.”

Obama paused and looked out to the crowd from behind his podium and teleprompter, waiting for them to react with laughter. But no one laughed. In fact, people resumed leaving the rally, quietly shuffling out in droves; heads hung low as before. 

Looking puzzled, Obama signaled to someone in his entourage to roll back his speech on the teleprompter.

“I said…,” Obama spoke picking up where he left off as he reread his speech from the teleprompter again, but this time with more emphasis on the punch line. “Well, you can breathe a sigh of relief; I’m not going to send you to invade a country. Not like, like that other guy -- The other guy, get it? Come on, people. That’s funny.”

“Not as funny as your administration,” yelled out the heckler as the crowd continued their exodus.

“Do you really want the other guy back?” said Obama, departing from his prepared speech as he nervously looked out at the people continuing to leave the rally. “Because that’s what is going to happen if you don’t vote for the Democrats in November. It’s either me or the other guy. It’s your choice. It’s that simple.”

The people did not respond to Obama’s threat. And soon all left the rally. Except for one man, the heckler, who sat up front.

“What are you still hanging around here for?” asked Obama, acknowledging the heckler.

"I don’t know,” replied the heckler. “New material?”



Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo

SNL’s Amy Carter Skit Criticized for Setting Controversial Precedent (i.e. Fast Forward: ‘Did you plug the hole yet, Daddy?’)

New York, New York --

Saturday Night Live (SNL) has fallen under heavy criticism for its ‘Amy Carter Goes to Public School’ skit, which has been characterized by critics as insensitive, inappropriate, if not disrespectful, and should have never been aired.

“We’re talking about the President’s daughter here,” said one displeased SNL viewer calling into 30 Rockefeller Plaza to complain along with thousands of others. “She’s just a child. And no child deserves be used as either the butt or punch line of someone’s joke. No matter how much of a public figure the child’s father is.”

NBC says it never received so many complaints from their viewing audience before.

“Not since we took ‘Star Trek’ off the air nearly ten years ago,” said one concerned NBC executive.

“President Carter’s decision to send his daughter to a public school guarded by the Secret Service was the inspiration behind the comedy sketch,” explained an NBC spokesman. “His critics contend that it was an unjustified expense of taxpayers’ dollars and an intrusion into Amy Carter’s life as well as that of her classmates.”

In the comedy skit drawing all the fire, Amy Carter (Laraine Newman) is accompanied by two daunting Secret Service Agents (Bill Murray and Dan Aykroyd) wearing dark suits, eyeshades and hidden walkie-talkie earpieces, standing at both sides of her desk in a classroom filled with other children after her father, President Jimmy Carter, insists that she attend public school instead of a private one.

Outraged by the complaints received for the skit, a protective Lorne Michaels, the executive producer of the late night scripted comedy TV show, vowed he would not allow anybody to intimidate his SNL writers.

“That’s my job,” said Lorne Michaels.

NBC’s legal department confirmed the controversial skit had been cleared for airing through its censor in advance, all according to policy and without incident.

“That should be enough, man,” said a SNL writer who collaborated on the creative work. “Beside, who knows, maybe one day there will be a Blackman in the White House who has kids. Can you dig that? And not placing an antic disposition on them like we did with little Amy Carter would be hypocritical, man.”

“If that day ever comes, I don’t mind risk having to place my SNL writers in the awkward position of being misperceived as racists,” said Lorne Michaels. “Better them than me.”

Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo

‘Schoolhouse Rock!’ Releases New Video Explaining to Kids Why Democrats Can’t Pass Poor Old ‘I’m Just a Bill’ Who Sits Up There Still On Capitol Hill

Washington, D.C. --

Hey kids, remember ‘I’m Just a Bill’? That cute adorable rolled up talking piece of unsigned legislative parchment from those two-minute animated ‘Schoolhouse Rock!’ short features that aired in-between Saturday morning cartoons on ABC in the early 1970s to the early 1980s that educated you on subjects of grammar, science, economic, history, mathematics and civics better than your teachers ever did? Well he’s back! But this time he is no longer melancholy. Nope. He’s pissed off!

“Hi kids!” says ‘I’m Just a Bill’ in the opening scene of the new ‘School House Rock!’ video as he sits on the steps of Congress as Congressman and women pass him by, ignoring him. “Yup I’m still here. After all these years, right where you left me last. Still waiting to be signed so healthcare reform can finally become the law of the land, providing Americans with health insurance, even a public option like Obama promised in his campaign and again on ‘YouTube’ after he was elected. Yeah, I know, it’s hard to believe that I know about ‘YouTube’ I’m so old. But not too old that I haven’t finally seen the light and mended my arrant ways.”

Dog-eared parchment turning yellow with his patriotic red, white and blue ribbon tied around his waist anchored by his name tag ‘Bill’ faded, ‘I’m Just a Bill’ that sits on Capitol Hill not only looked his age, but the consequences of years of healthcare neglect as he attempted to mask his ocular disease behind dark shaded sunglasses, but his white cane with a red stripe on the bottom tip of it betrays him.

“I bet y’all are grown up now and with kids of your own too,” continued ‘I’m Just a Bill’ as he struggled to rise to his feet using his cane to assist him. “Oh, I don’t need any of your help now. You see this cane here is not for tapping the sidewalk but for helping me get up. I got it back when Medicare was still paying for ‘tings that old folks like me needed. See, I was a Socialist back then and didn’t know any better. But now I do. In fact, I’m going to throw away these symbols of oppression that robs me of my independence and dignity. Right here and now.”

Slowly a crowd of Republican and Blue Dog Democrats Senators and Congressman stopped and gathered in a circle around ‘I’m Just a Bill’ to listen to his sidewalk sermon of conservative conversion to fiscal responsibility.

“In fact, I don’t need these taxpayer subsidized subscription eyeglass neither,” said ‘I’m Just a Bill’ on a roll, as took off his eyeshades, throwing them to the ground alongside his white red striped cane. The crowd of conservatives let out a cheer. But then quickly recoiled in horror at the sight of the thick foggy gray cataract membrane that coated ‘I’m Just a Bill’s’ eyes. “Yeah, I knows I’m not a pretty sight to look at, but I’m a free man.”

The crowd of Republicans and Blue Dog Democrats applauded.

“See, I’ve changed,” said ‘I’m just a Bill’ with his arms wide-open, expecting to be embraced by the compassionate conservatives. “Now will you sign my forehead, making me into a law?”

The crowd of Republicans and Blue Dog Democrats looked around among themselves as if silently debating their individual conscience. They were about to give their answer when they all received a text message alert warning them that ‘I’m Just a Bill’ was a suspected lobbyist working for the people. Then looking up from their BlackBerries, cell phones and pagers shouted out in unison: “No!”

“God damn it!” said ‘I’m Just a Bill’ in his frustration. “Sorry kids, and not about my French neither. I’m sorry you and your children aren’t getting any healthcare or healthcare reform from your dully-elected representatives you deserve. Maybe next time when the Democrats are in the White House again and control both Houses of Congress with a filibuster proof supermajority.”

‘I’m Just a Bill’ then returned to occupying the steps of Congress, his portion of marble where he sat polished with wear.

“For I’m Just a Healthcare Bill,” ‘I’m Just a Bill’ resumed signing to himself as members of Congress shuffled by him again oblivious to his existence, purpose and urgent need. “Stuck up here on Capitol Hill.”


Copyright © 2008-2010 by Robert W. Armijo

State of the Union Address Delayed Due to Teleprompter Upgrade!

Washington, D.C. --

Sitting in the Oval Office, just hours before his first State of the Union address and after losing his filibuster proof majority in both houses, waiting impatiently for the return of his teleprompter that his foulmouthed chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel, sent out for an upgrade days earlier, President Barack Obama checks his wristwatch for what seemed the hundredth time, before rising to his feet and walking over to the intercom on his desk.

“Rahm, is it back yet?” asked Obama, leaning over to speak into the intercom.

“Not [BLEEP] yet Mr. President,” Rahm Emanuel replied back over the intercom as he waited across the way at the service entrance of the White House for the deliveryman to arrive. “But I’ll call you as soon as the [BLEEP] comes in.”

“Don’t call me damn it!” said Obama with a raised voice. Pausing a moment before continuing, he managed to regain his composure, calming himself down by taking in a few deep breaths. “Just bring it to me as soon as it gets here.”

“Yes, Mr. President,” replied Rahm Emanuel without hesitation. “I’ll [BLEEP] you when I [BLEEP] got the [BLEEP] thing.”

Obama then began to pace the room with his hands behind his back.

Lost in a dreamlike state, Obama pauses by a shelf, staring at some photographs of him taken with the teleprompter in the early days of his presidency. Picking one up, he closes his eyes, clutches it to his chest and begins to sway his body as he slowly begins to dance around the Oval Office to the beat of his own pounding heart.

“Oh where did we go wrong?” said Obama to the photograph of the teleprompter he held cradled in his arms as he spun about the room. Now humming a well. “We had them eating out of our hands back then. I had a full metal jacket. I had a filibuster proof majority in both houses. I was ‘Iron Man’. No one could touch me. Except for those damn Republicans…I mean blue dogs.”

Suddenly Rahm Emanuel busted into the Oval Office with the teleprompter towed in on a dolly.

“Mr. President! Mr. President!” excitedly said the chief of staff, oblivious to Obama dancing in the room by himself, embracing a photograph in his arms. “It’s here! It’s here! The [BLEEP] teleprompter is [BLEEP] here!”

“Leave us alone. Will you, Rahm?” said a refocused Obama, almost beneath his breath, staring intently at the veiled teleprompter from across the room as he turned down the lights and popped in a music CD. “Oh. And you better cancel my appointments with Kim Jong-il, Ahmadinejad and that Area 51 reverse engineering progress report debriefing this afternoon as well. I’m going to need a couple of hours without any distractions.”

“Okay. [BLEEP] me,” said the chief of staff as he exited the Oval Office, being sure to hang a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on the outer doorknob on his way out.

“Oh, baby, baby,” said Obama with a Barry White CD playing in the background as he slowly lifted up the veil covering the teleprompter. “It’s magic time…again.”


Copyright Ó 2008-2020 by Robert W. Armijo

President Barack Obama’s ‘Shovel-Ready’ Economy Finally Getting Busy…Digging ‘U.S.’ Out from His Bull --

Washington, D.C. --

The White House confirmed that Obama’s stimulus package is working, citing a round the clock team of ‘shove-ready’ men the president has on standby 24 hours, 7 days a week to clean up after him whenever he makes one of his emotionally charged purple prose political do nothing speeches.

“There’s so much of it in just one of his speeches,” said a member of the ‘shovel-ready’ cleanup crew. “I have to wear hip boots just to wade through it so I can get close enough to clean it up.”

In fact, White House staff members have begun wearing hip boots as well.

“The president often paces up and down the hallways of the White House while practicing his speeches,” explains a White House staff member. “So he tends to leave a trail of his bull [BLEEP] behind him. We try not to step in it, but sometimes it’s unavoidable so the hip boots really help.”

So popular are the hip boots at the White House that they have become a fashion tread of sorts among the staff.

“Oh yeah,” confirmed another White House staff member. “Hip boots are quite trendy in the Obama White House. But really they’re a common sense combination of function and form.”

Reportedly, Obama even has several pairs on hand for visiting foreign dignitaries to wear, so they can feel like they fit right in.

“Of course, we don’t have to worry about visiting members of Congress,” said the White House Press Secretary. “They have their own. Only you could never tell because they wear them under their suits. We don’t, because Obama wants his administration to be transparent.”

“Good thing I didn’t throw mine away from the last administration,” said a member of the press core.

“I had to buy a new pair,” said another reporter. “Because I actually believed his change campaign promise.”

Ironically, all this purchasing of hip boots is helping to grow the economy, stimulating American manufacturing in a self-fulfilling prophecy kind of way.

“If Obama keeps dishing it out at this rate,” said an economist. “He could single-handedly pull the country out of a recession as the nation reaches for their pair of hip boots every time he speaks.”

“At least that’s what I’ll be telling the president this afternoon. So I hope he’s wearing his pair,” said an Obama adviser, pausing a moment while slipping on his own pair of hip boots reading for the first time the manufacturing label attached. “Made in China’. Huh, I wonder what that could mean?”

“Excuse me Mr. President,” said Obama’s personal secretary over the intercom. “The cleaning crew is here.”

“What? Already? I just started practicing my speech,” replied the president.


Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

Items Missing from The White House, says First Lady, Michelle Obama

Washington, D.C. --

Along with mini bars of soap, facial towels and silverware embossed with the Presidential Seal gone missing from the White House, Michelle Obama reported to the Secret Service today that she discovered the mattress from the Lincoln Bedroom is missing as well.

“Secret Services searched every part of the White House looking for the missing mattress from the Lincoln bedroom,” said a White House official. “But so far it has yet to be recovered. Needless to say, you can only imaging the, um, historical significance it represents to the First Lady.”

The White House went on to say that they did not want to point fingers, but the last ones seen in the vicinity of the Lincoln bedroom were the Salahis, though at a loss of words as to how they smuggled out the twin-size mattress without the hundreds of guests and security noticing.

“One of them must have strapped it to their back,” said the White House.

However, since so many lobbyists were in attendance at Obama’s first state dinner, the Salahis must have been mistaken as one of them and allowed to slip out without question.

In the meanwhile, President Obama has formed a special task force to search and find the missing Lincoln mattress. Until then, however, it is rumored that the First Lady has ordered him to sleep down stairs on the couch until it is safely returned.

“Listen,” reportedly said the president to the special task force over the phone. “Michelle and I need that mattress back. I can’t tell you the reason why. But let’s just say, the fate of the free world maybe riding on it.”

Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

Tom Turkey Refuses Obama’s Presidential Pardon; Demands Execution Instead

Washington, D.C. --

Braking with tradition today, Tom Turkey refused the annual Presidential pardon and demanded to be executed instead. Leaving White House officials scratching their heads as to what to do next.

“We’ve never had a turkey refuse a presidential pardon before,” hesitantly said a spokesman for the White House. “We…um, we never executed a turkey before, either.”

As President Obama called his advisers into the West Wing to discuss the matter, leaving Tom Turkey in the custody of the of his children out in the rose garden, former vice president, Dick Cheney called the White House.

“What the hell are you guys doing over!” said Mr. Cheney over the speakerphone. “These birds don’t want to be pardoned. They've been radicalized. They want to be martyrs. Just take an axe and lop that bird’s head off. …Or do you need me to do it?”

No response came from anyone in the West Wing as Obama had the back of his chair to his advisors and he stared out the window watching his daughters playing with the turkey.

Finally one of the president’s advisors stood up, walked over to the president and whispered into his ear.

“Better to do it now,” whispered the advisor. “Before they get too attached to the bird.”

The President nodded in agreement.

“Okay, Mr. Cheney,” said the advisor. “You win.”

“Good,” replied Mr. Cheney. “Have the bird ready out back. I’ll be by within the hour. I got to pickup a camera on the way to record this for Sarah Palin. She’s really into this sort of stuff.”



Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

Halloween White House Still Handing Out Eye Candy To Nation

Washington, D.C. --

Standing at the front entrance of the White House with the first lady faithfully at his side handing out Halloween candy, Barack Obama, dressed as himself, was criticized not only by Republicans this time around, but by an ever-growing chorus of Democrats and Independent voices too, as an imposter; merely disguising as the president of change he promised he would be and has yet to fulfill.

Meanwhile, not missing a beat to forward their causes, lobbyists bribed little kids dressed as ghouls, ghosts and goblins waiting in line to see the president, stealing their store bought and homemade costumes and chance to get White House candy away from them.

“You know when I promised the American people transparency, I meant it,” proudly said Barack Obama, as he posed for a photo op dropping candy into overfilled extended pillowcases, while leaving others empty yet to be filled.

“Trick or Treat?’ Mr. President,” said the lobbyists, still disguised as kids dressed as ghouls, ghosts and goblins.

“Oh, kids come on in,” said Obama, inviting the lobbyists inside the White House. “Help yourself to anything you want.”


Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo

President Obama has Sgt. Crowley and Prof. Gates Jr. Over for a Beer

Washington, D.C. --



As Sgt. James M. Crowley of the Cambridge Police Department and Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. were let into the Rose Garden of the White House, they were taken aback at the image of their Commander in Chief and leader of the free world donning a white Chef’s hat, houndstooth apron which read: “Flip Me Over, I’m All Done on This Side” and pouring over a hot grill.

“Take a seat gentlemen,” said President Barack Obama, directing the men to a park like bench. “Your hamburgers and hot dogs will be ready shortly. You’ll find the beer in the cooler.”

As the men sat down to dine, no one mentioned the incident that brought them all together. In fact, they all just sat quietly eating among themselves in absolute silence with President Obama at the head of the table. Not even attempts at small talk had been made, not even much sound came from the men, except for chewing, dry coughs and occasional burp from the beer. Finally the vocal silence was broken.

“Hey, is there any A-1 steak sauce?” asked Sgt. Crowley.

“Isn’t there any on the table?” replied a surprised Obama. “I thought I put it out here. Wait a minute I’ll just run in and get some.”

With that the President excused himself and ran in the direction of the White House. After a few minutes, he returned empty handed.

“Say, guys,” said President Obama, breathing heavily with his arms on hips, shaking his head. “You’re never going to believe this. I just locked myself out of the White House. Could anyone of you help me get the door open?”

“Sure!” said Henry Louis Gates Jr. as he rose to his feet to help the President.

Sgt. Crowley remained seated. Then after a few moments, once President Obama and Henry Louis Gates Jr. were out of sight, he reached underneath the picnic table pulling out a walkie-talkie.

“Officer Crowley to dispatch,” said Sgt. Crowley as he crouched under the picnic table. “I got a possible burglary in progress at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Send backup… Oh, ah, you better send everything we got…I mean everything.”




Copyright © 2008-9 by Robert W. Armijo